replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
So I've lost my job. They found a live-in for S, so the remaining hours for her other support staff got cut down to nearly nothing, and I drew the short straw, or, I suppose, had it drawn for me. I worked a little over three hours today, and I've got one last overnight shift tomorrow. I spent most of today getting things taken care of like student loan deferment paperwork and starting the application for unemployment checks.

I found out about this while on vacation. Good times, right? Well, I'd known something like it was coming for the past month at least, and honestly I'm glad they made it a clean break rather than just cutting my hours down to nothing.

So I'm working on getting my resume cleaned up. Need to hit up the old craigslist. At least this time around I have internet access at home. Last year I had to keep dragging my computer out to Peets or the Library.

Anyway, I'll be getting back to those last couple commissions from the recent round probably starting Sunday, unless tomorrow ends up being spectacularly productive for me and I can start on them early.

I think I owe myself a yoga class tomorrow morning.

-------------

The trip went well. The wedding was pretty uneventful. Which is a good thing, I think, all considered. The father-of-the-bride fairly pointedly was too busy to speak with me directly even once. His wife did, though. She gets points for effort. I got to talk to Charis, the bride's older sister, and my closest-in-age cousin, for a few minutes and we ended up connecting on facebook so hopefully I'll be able to have some sort of ongoing relationship with that corner of the family.

The old Winchester house was the same and different. My stepmom is living in Lexington, now, separated from my Pop for about a year now. Cadence is living with her, though I did get to see her a couple times- once for her baby shower(!) on thursday in Lexington, and then Friday and Sunday she was down in Winchester a couple times. Dresden Amery Watkins(?) is due November 16, but Cadence told me she planned on having him on my birthday on Tuesday. It's a family birthday- Pop's father was born on November 9th, too.

Ricky and his wife and my nephew Parker came down for Cadence's shower and then to Winchester friday night for a big family get together. Parker's about 11 months old now and made Pop realize how not-babyproof the old house is. Between Parker and Dresden and Ricky & Dani's second-on-the-way, there's going to be kids crawling all over the place there over the next few years.

Got to hang out with Chase a lot. I'm glad we've developed a good relationship over the past few visits. We're going to try and road trip it up in the spring from KY to CA or something.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
This morning I feel like the fog over my head for the past month or so is finally starting to lift a little. Thursday when I went in for my shot Daphne saw my eyes and how red and awful the skin around them looked and insisted on having me see the doctor that day. He said it was classic eczema and gave me some hydrocortisone 1% and told me I better not get it in my eyes because it'll give me pinkeye.

It's only now that it's slowly starting to clear up that I'm starting to see exactly how much of a brain funk I've been in. Amazing what a slightly compromised immune system will do.

-----
I've been drawing more. Not every single day, but sometimes multiple times a day. Dark grey paper feels really good right now, I like the low contrast. It's giving me some dark imagery, but I'm okay with that. Come to think of it, a lot of my drawings are on color-coordinated paper lately. Cream cardstock for furry commissions, purple cardstock for cute girls, index cards for carrying in my pocket and collecting whatever images fly by while on transit. Makes me wish I took transit more often, almost.

-----
Past two days I've been working out despite feeling sick and miserable. Pretty sure part of why my shoulder/neck has been hurting so much this week is my inconsistent workout patterns lately. Weighed in at 156.3 lb and 25.5% body fat this week... which is /technically/ an improvement on both ends. A month ago it was 163.5 and 27%, which makes it look like I lost a lot, right? Except that FOUR POUNDS of that is lost muscle. I'm pretty sure that most of the loss is because I stopped taking Aftershock on a daily basis, which has Creatine in it. Apparently if you stop taking creatine you loose a chunk of the mass you gain with it.

-----
Actually seeing Edwin a lot lately. Most of the time is spent with him unconscious on my bed because he's working all but 9-5 weekdays. No, seriously. He gets off work at 9am, which is usually more like 10am, and has to be back by 5pm. Except weekends. He works 24/7 weekends. And I live a 20-minute commute away, rather than an hour-and-a-half commute away. I don't begrudge him crashing at my place. Hopefully soon they'll find someone to replace his former coworker, and he'll be back to a more sane schedule.

-----
Work is fun. Not sure how much longer I'll be employed there, as they're looking for a live-in for S, which will basically mean my job will be canned, and it feels like my supervisor has been ignoring me. She used to be great about communicating about everything and now it's like she's not the same person. I think she got really busy all of a sudden, but it's still really strange. Been gearing myself up for the job hunt. Should have been working on that in earnest already, but I've been sickish and I'm really not looking forward to going through the job application/hiring process with my old name on documents and job history.

I'm supposed to do an hours-long training thing on my off hours at work. But I'm about to lose the job afaik. I would like to be able to get good references from them, but it is really hard to want to do extra stuff for these people.

-----
Tonight I need to catch a decent Ghastly. Ideally an adamant one.

-----
Is it just me or is google mail not working for anyone else?
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
So I'm at a crossroad in my life. Enough has fallen out of place that I have to move on to the next thing. My hours were pretty severely cut back, I think I'm going to be making about 600$ less a month. If I cut back to the bare minimum of bills and still have grocery money I don't know if I can live off that, though there are a few things I need to re-sort and do that budget in the meantime.

The point is, I also don't really want to settle for tightening my belt and getting by. Which looks like it means getting another job.

But then, another job I get would be in the same field I've been working, some sort of personal care job, right? Is THAT the kind of career direction I want to pursue? Just because that's where I can find decently paying jobs with my credentials?

So this morning I was talking with Eira about my situation and we were bouncing ideas off each other for ridiculous schemes involving getting rich living off buttons, and I expressed dismay at being almost out of all my delicious, delicious supplements, and then I expressed a desire to know what all the supplements in that tub of aftershock -were- and what they were for, and Eira, who has been my roommate for over a year now, and has watched me develop a rabid fascination toward fitness and fitness nutrition said to me, "You should go into Sports Medicine."

And now I'm thinking. Well, perhaps maybe I should. And then I cower in thought of my already staggering student loans and repayment plans and ridiculously high locked-in interest rates. But then, to pay them off, ever, I'm going to need a career that makes a lot of money. And I'm thinking, personal trainers make a lot of money.

Is this something I should be seriously looking into? Or is my mind in denial or trying to bargain with me about having to sort through craigslist and put together my resume and deal with trying to get hired somewhere as a trans guy pre legal mumbo jumbo and my gosh there's a lot weighing on my mind right now.

vigil

Sep. 7th, 2010 09:41 am
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
It's surreal. I keep finding more bruises.

Odd how it's only now sinking in.

Or not odd. I am a personal care attendant. Not a guardian legally, but that's my job. And first and foremost I'm trying to take care of these people. Yes, she freaked out and hit me. Repeatedly. I had to take care of myself.

Fighting back only in self defense is a lot more difficult than fighting back. I didn't want to hurt her, only to make her stop hurting me. Because she was only hurting herself in doing so.

I didn't want to have to call the cops. Didn't want them to have to take her away.

But once she was gone the idea of her coming back,

without the time to regroup

to heal.

Kept me on edge again and again.

Like the boogeyman, every noise outside

could be her.

*breathe* I thought I was going to have to see her again, this morning. I convinced them it wasn't a good idea for her to come back last night. I didn't want to wake up

with her standing over me so I wouldn't have slept. S said she slept better than she had in months and it broke my heart and I couldn't tell her that she'd be home this afternoon. This morning, supposedly. 6:30 or 7.

I got up early. Packed my stuff up, took my bike and locked it outside. So I could make a quick getaway if I needed to. Hurried S through her morning routine

to avoid the possibility of crossing paths. And then I sat, and waited. Unwilling to abandon my post, or distract my attention too much

I had to be ready when she arrived.

The minutes ticked by. Half an hour fortyfive an hour. An hour and fourteen. An hour and twenty. I'm leaving at nine, I don't care. An hour and twenty nine. Can I do that? An hour and thirty five. Waiting to face this person I am supposed to be taking care of. An hour and forty seven. In three minutes I'll text Janis and tell her A's not back and that I need to go at nine. An hour and forty nine. I'm halfway through a text message when Robin calls.

Hey, I'm emailing you a list of workman's comp clinics. Oh... okay, hey, A isn't back yet, and I get off work at 9. Oh, Jame's going to pick her up, she's still at Kaiser, there must have been a miscommunication, you can go.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Well today's been pretty ... it's been a day.

The most eventful thing was being assaulted by one of the ladies I work with. That sucked. She's not here tonight, which is good because I wouldn't be able to sleep if she was.

Earlier pop called me to tell me he'd called his brother to talk to him about me and see if it was okay for me to come to Tembre's wedding next month. Apparently wade brought in pop's divorce to push pop's buttons, and was blaming my mom and all sorts of ridiculous nonsense for me being trans. He claimed he'd pass my number on to Tembre, but wouldn't give pop her contact info and I doubt I'd hear from her if it was up to him. So now I'm trying to contact her or one of her sisters, and pop thinks his sister might have her contact info, too.

I'm really hoping my hand isn't too messed up to be able to do crossfit again tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I went to my first crossfit class yesterday and it kicked my butt, but it was awesome.

I don't even remember my hand getting hit. I do remember my head getting hit. There's sore bumps but nothing too bad. My cheek's a little bruised. My hand is what I'm worried about. Not broken, just a little swollen and sore.

I want to go home and see my family. Why is my uncle a dirtbag?
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
So I'm at work. Post-disclosure to S and A. And things are about the same. Which is way better than the way it could have gone. I could wish that A wasn't still using my old name, but it'll come with time and practice. S hasn't used any name for me since I've been back, though from what I heard from our HR person in my meeting with her and my direct supervisor on thursday, S's biggest problem is that she can't pronounce 'Seth' to save her life.

The closest A has come to saying anything about it was yesterday she saw the welcome screen on my computer that asks for the password, and has Seth as my username. Almost immediately she said something to me calling me Miss [oldname], with emphasis on the miss. She was trying to push buttons so I didn't let on that it bothered me at all. Annoying, but if she doesn't get any gratification from using stuff like that against me she probably won't keep it up.

I'd love to be able to talk to her pretty candidly about it, but that'll come with time, I guess. Right now I think the important thing is that she knows about it and -isn't- freaking out. It's just different. Weird. But she's always known I'm pretty weird so I guess it all just fits in with the rest.

disclosure

Aug. 13th, 2010 09:23 pm
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
[To my supervisor, executive director, and HR person]

Okay, again, sorry it's taken me a little while to respond with my thoughts about your plan to tell [S] and [A] about my transition. Some parts of it made me fairly uncomfortable so it took a little while to process it. In particular, I have some discomfort with the idea of telling them that I will 'become' a man at some arbitrary later time. While I do understand why you might want them to think that way about it, I wonder if there's a better way to emphasize that I am the same person they have known all along, despite ongoing and future changes. I know especially with [A]'s past and plan it is a somewhat tricky situation. If necessary, you can explain that my body is still physically female in most ways, though I'm not very comfortable with that being -emphasized- unless they are having a really hard time accepting it. I'd love it if there was a way you could emphasize that as the hormone therapy does its work, and my body slowly changes in little ways, I have been becoming increasingly happy with who I am. This transition is very difficult in a lot of ways, but at the bottom line it is a really, REALLY good thing for me and in general I have been happier both with myself and with the world around me than ever before.

You may already be planning on covering much of this information in the 'What is a sex change and why do some people have them?' bullet point. Is there any chance I can get an idea of what you will be covering in that section, so I might be able to make suggestions or clarifications?

Again, I want to thank you all for being so understanding and willing to take on this task of explaining my situation to [S] and [A]. I know it won't be an easy thing to do and I'm sorry if I've just complicated things. I will be working on my letter to [coworkers] tonight and will send along copies here, as well.

Seth

[They will be meeting with A and S this wednesday, August 18th. I won't be there, but I'm totally nervous about it. I don't think it will be, but worst-case scenario this could be my last weekend working here. That's a little terrifying...]
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
me: ugh
talking with job people about the upcoming disclosure to the job people with cog disabilities. =/
so like
they have a certain way they want to word their explanation
that kind of emphasizes that I'm 'not a man yet'
and I know it's not because that's what they actually think,
me: it's so they can get used to the idea more slowly and hopelfully be more okay with it
but it still feels really shitty.

-------------

Pardon the language. I wrote that earlier this morning when I first got the email and it was fresh in my emotions and roar. Not the most fun way to start the day. I have thought about it a little more and understand that they're just trying to find the way to explain it that will be most likely for A and S to understand and ... you know... want to keep me as their support staff. A in particular, we're pretty sure S will be befuddled but ultimately unbothered by it.

I need to do some serious thinking and maybe bring it to some trans group things as a topic. I said this morning that I'm really glad now that I have that FTM support group to go to tomorrow. I'll probably post some questions about it to the ftm lj comm, too.

It's a tricky situation because I'd really like to keep my job, and that means having them come to understand it in a way that won't alienate them from me. I said I was okay with them having a lot of leeway for a while on the names and pronouns, and I am.

I think what bothers me about it is the way they're tying up 'whether I'm a man' into my physical transition, and in particular, saying that -I'm not, yet.- Though they did explain to me that they personally understand the difference. I really want to be able to stand up for myself and be like, no, I've been a man all along, it's my body that was wrong! D=

There's also the slightly tricky spot where A's ISP states that she will only have female support staff. They are having to write an exception for me (assuming, of course, A is okay with keeping me as a staff once she knows) on the basis that she originally knew me as female.

ROAR
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Gosh, this is discouraging. -__-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MktENiDIjoM
(Skyler was applying for a job and got a gender no-match letter, which so far has prevented him from getting rehired by a company he worked for previously under his old name. Apparently one has to have had Gender Reassignment Surgery in order to change your social security gender marker.)

more info- http://www.transequality.org/Resources/NoMatch_employees.pdf

I really want to get my state ID and stuff changed over as soon as possible, but I worry that will make it difficult for me to get other jobs in the future. Here's hoping I actually do have some job security here.

-----
Also, sometimes my job is very demoralizing. I should not have agreed to cover an extra shift, PARTICULARLY the one right between my other shifts. I haven't been home since friday, and because my supervisor forgot to make sure we had community activity money before going out of town for the weekend, we couldn't even break the monotony by going to see a movie or something. Sure, there may have been plenty of free activities available, but it is almost impossible to get A to go out and do ANYTHING and if it doesn't involve spending money, quite frankly, she ain't interested. And of course since she was bored all weekend despite my efforts, she was in a bad mood and in return ended up taking it out on S and myself. Me more than S, because she was smart enough to retreat into her room, whereas I didn't have that option.

I get to go home tomorrow at 9, but I have to be back here at 4pm for another shift. Tuesday morning can't come soon enough. -__-

A told me I was pretty while I was making dinner. She does that, periodically, and I always just grit my teeth and say thank you. This time she went on to tell me that she was picturing me in a dress and stockings and high heels. And telling me how I should get a pedicure or a manicure and get fake nails on. I know she doesn't know yet, I know it's a mistake of ignorance and not malice, I know she was even trying to be complimentary, but it still feels pretty awful, and makes me worry that even when she does know, she won't be accepting, at all.

Sorry for the emo, guys. I wish I was going to be sleeping in my own bed, tonight.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
SO.

I was lucky enough to hear back from Robin (my company's HR person) quickly. She was immediately supportive and asked if I preferred to go by Seth and have male pronouns used for me.

The main issue is A's history- she is specifically supposed to have female supports for reasons I won't get into for confidentiality. HOWEVER, Robin was saying they had a similar situation in the past, where a support staff (my position) changed gender from female to male with a client who otherwise only had female staff for similar reasons. Because the staff was already known to the client, the staff was able to make the change without much of an issue. So things are still up in the air regarding how A will be able to handle my transition, but it looks hopeful that it will be alright. Robin also asked, if it becomes an option (she wasn't sure if it would or not), if I would like to support someone who didn't have specific gendered support needs. I responded that I would be happy to pursue whichever option seemed best to Robin and ADF's other management.

Having brought it out into the open is a huge relief, even if my job security at the moment is still a little questionable. I am reassured that ADF will do everything in their power to help me through this, so with any luck the stress of this issue will soon be a thing of the past.

hit send

Jun. 26th, 2010 09:45 am
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
"There is another issue I have been needing to discuss, but I haven't known how to bring it up or who to bring it to. I am transgender, and very recently began hormone therapy to start my transition from female to male. I don't know what this will mean for my job with ADF. Despite the many challenges, I like working with [A] and [S], and would like be able to continue to do so. I find myself in need of guidance for this situation, and hope that you will be able to help me through this difficult point in my transition.
Sincerely,
[J], aka Seth"

I took a deep breath, hit send, and now I wait.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Today I wanted to tell my supervisor I had something I needed to talk to her about, but as soon as I started trying to just tell her there was -something- I totally locked up and my heart kinda started racing. So I didn't say anything. Again.

I've been wanting to do it in person, but I'm starting to think emailing might be a better way to do it, so I can plan out a little better what I want to say. I'm in a comfy spot here, but soon enough it's going to start being obvious something is going on and I don't want it to be a surprise to them. I'd love for it to just be okay, a nonissue, but I just don't know at all how A and S would deal with it.

-----
Thursday I get my second shot... I'm really looking forward to this weekend and seeing what starts happening this time around. I've thought of a few questions I want to ask while I'm at the clinic, too. Mostly I just want to know what the dosage is going to be and see if I can get on a weekly shot instead of a higher dosage every other week because I think that'd be better for me for keeping stable. Then again this week has been fine, it was the middle of last week that sucked.

-----
Talked to Edwin a bit about the way I've been processing emotions lately. There have been a couple instances where I'll get really annoyed- like it'll flare up and I'll rage for a couple seconds, but then it's done and I'll be like, I'm sorry I said that stuff, I feel better now. Where before I wouldn't be able to identify what I was getting upset about, and while I usually wouldn't get to the point where I'd rage, the unidentified emotion would just build up slowly and I'd end up feeling crappy and lots of little things would build up. Basically I'm feeling way more stable emotionally, which is awesome. If something does get to me I just deal with it and then it's done. Feels so much more natural to me, rather than my emotions being constantly at war with my brain.

-----
I don't want to curse it, but I started the actual p90x program yesterday. So I did the "Back and Chest" yesterday, followed by "Ab Ripper-X". That was pretty intense. Today was "Plyometrics"... I didnt' think I'd get through the whole thing, I didnt' last time, but this time I did. It was pretty rough, heh. But that made it feel really awesome to actually get through it all. Edwin started plyo with me this morning, but stopped after about 25 minutes. When I got done I got my sweaty face all up in his and he was like "I hate you. *huuuggg*"

-----
Daily drawing has been... not happening. But I have drawn a couple times in the last week, at least. The one I drew today is very much an illustration... which is pretty cool because I've been mostly doing self-portraity stuff with my own characters and friends' for like the past year so this is a pretty big departure and it feels awesome. I've also been stretching the artistic muscles a tiny bit by doing a couple redlines for various people this past week, something I used to do a lot but got SUUUPER burnt out on. Oh yeah, I like doing that. It allows me to figure out poses I might not normally do, and hopefully help someone else out in the process, too. So, yeah, good stuff.

-----
Also rap. Apparently is where my musical taste is going. Carly got me to listen to some Lady Gaga, which I've been rationing a bit. Also Rachelbun got me listening to Stuntin Like Mufasa which is ridiculous but also awesome. Same with the rest of the album, though I can only get so far before my brain goes okay that's enough disney. =I Speaking of mashups Eira recommended this Sonic the Hedgehog mashup that I thought was really well done. Joeypoey gave me some great recommendations, too, and I'm currently listening to the P.O.S. mix starting with this song.

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replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
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