Seth (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
replacementparts) wrote2010-07-06 04:08 pm
replacementparts) wrote2010-07-06 04:08 pm
Entry tags:
dischord
So its been a couple weeks and I'm feeling back to myself and under control now so I guess I can tell you guys what happened a couple weeks ago.
I had a period the week following my second T injection. Now that it's passed I feel like I've learned some things about myself. It came as a surprise, and REALLY threw me off balance.
In the past I would acknowledge it as little as possible. Take care of what I need to and force my thoughts through a very tight corridor of acceptable emotions. Suppress, suppress.
I knew I was doing it and really I was only doing what was necessary to my own survival inside my own head. I had ten long years of practice suppressing it all.
Starting T, the first several days after my first shot I experienced some intense euphoria. Finally, after all these years, I could learn to start trusting my brain and emotions. Of course, I was quickly reminded that testosterone (and puberty) has its own set of mental/emotional issues to deal with. Even then, though, I was able to trust that my responses to emotions were not caused primarily by female hormones.
When the period started (about a week early, even), all that flew out the window and I was somehow completely unprepared to handle the onslaught of... all the same emotional patterns that I'd so carefully repressed for so many years. For several days my head felt completely at war with itself.
It was really hard to deal with.
I mentioned it to my RN when I went to get my third shot last thursday. She said that T effects everyone's cycle differently. Some stop right away, some stop when the dose goes up, but it does eventually stop regardless.
I'll be more prepared mentally if it does happen again.
The point I was trying to get to is it made me realize exactly HOW MUCH of my emotions I was suppressing. I didn't trust them to be in line with ME, so I didn't let myself process them. How much of my energy was going into hiding that part of myself from everyone, including and especially myself.
And wondering what will change as I try to get more in tune with my own thoughts.
I had a period the week following my second T injection. Now that it's passed I feel like I've learned some things about myself. It came as a surprise, and REALLY threw me off balance.
In the past I would acknowledge it as little as possible. Take care of what I need to and force my thoughts through a very tight corridor of acceptable emotions. Suppress, suppress.
I knew I was doing it and really I was only doing what was necessary to my own survival inside my own head. I had ten long years of practice suppressing it all.
Starting T, the first several days after my first shot I experienced some intense euphoria. Finally, after all these years, I could learn to start trusting my brain and emotions. Of course, I was quickly reminded that testosterone (and puberty) has its own set of mental/emotional issues to deal with. Even then, though, I was able to trust that my responses to emotions were not caused primarily by female hormones.
When the period started (about a week early, even), all that flew out the window and I was somehow completely unprepared to handle the onslaught of... all the same emotional patterns that I'd so carefully repressed for so many years. For several days my head felt completely at war with itself.
It was really hard to deal with.
I mentioned it to my RN when I went to get my third shot last thursday. She said that T effects everyone's cycle differently. Some stop right away, some stop when the dose goes up, but it does eventually stop regardless.
I'll be more prepared mentally if it does happen again.
The point I was trying to get to is it made me realize exactly HOW MUCH of my emotions I was suppressing. I didn't trust them to be in line with ME, so I didn't let myself process them. How much of my energy was going into hiding that part of myself from everyone, including and especially myself.
And wondering what will change as I try to get more in tune with my own thoughts.