replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Those last couple commissions might have to be on hiatus until late next week. Tuesday evening I leave for my old kentucky home, and I have about a billion things to do between now and then, particularly since I have a work shift tomorrow night and my rear bike tire just went totally flat sometime on my ride home from work (I think I must have been pretty lucky to get all the way home on it). Darnit.

Anyway, I'll work on them if I get a chance, but it's looking like they'll have to wait until I get home. I'll try and do some drawing while I'm out of town, too, but I'm not going to bring my colored pencils, maybe just some brushpens to practice with.

Klandagi, Kin, and Kace, I apologize for the delay! You all have K names. 0_0 That is interesting.

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Toni and Nick are coming over today for some last minute Descent. Toni bought the overworld expansion last week and the game got about a billion times better. Especially for me. Because I'm the Evil Overlord. And I get to wreak havoc and kill the hero characters over and over. But if they kill my main minions they are gone forever and that is crappy. Yeah, cause you guys care so much about nerd games, amirite? I'm sorry that today, nerd games are taking priority over getting art done. plz don't hate me.

Speaking of nerd games I got a used copy of Pokemon Platinum yesterday. The previous owner had mostly cleared out their good stuff, but left their Giratina and Dialga and a few other things that I'm going to salvage. Like some of the EV berries (I think I'm only missing 2 of the 6 now) and a few other random things. Toni's bringing his DS so I can transfer them to my HG game. It has been torture having Platinum and not being able to start playing it... I'm pretty set on chimchar. Derp. IT'S FOR THE PLANE RIDE SHUT UP.

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I have no idea what to do about my bike tire- the weather is awful out and the bike shop isn't exactly close. I might just take the bus to/from work tomorrow/tuesday and deal with my bike when I get home. Except I'd rather get it taken care of. And not have to ride the bus. Blast. >:[

make

Oct. 16th, 2010 10:37 am
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
So how about a post that's not about selling things?

It actually does feel really good to be making art with purpose, even simple things like these have been. I say art with purpose, what I mean is, I'm making art with intent to finish it. I think my art block over the past couple years has had a lot to do with the fact that having proven to myself that I could create epic pieces with in depth thought to composition and lighting and atmosphere and color and perspective and all of the things, I somehow decided that I had to do that every time. And being fairly ADD and impatient with things, I got to a point where I didn't want to even try.

I don't know that I'm past it yet, but it seems that the fact that I can now see it indicates that I'm on the right track.

I need to reteach myself that it can be fun. That it's supposed to be.

I'm sorry I went so long without making art.

rusty

Sep. 19th, 2010 01:21 pm
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Started a second round of P90x. I may just be trying to hang on to something familiar amid a month of hard, abrupt changes. I didn't go to crossfit at all this week, and had started feeling like the gains I'd made over the last three months doing p90x would deteriorate if I was relying on getting to crossfit. So I'm going to keep p90x as my 'main' workout, and throw in crossfit when I feel up to some extra challenge. And Yoga classes a couple times a week.

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I waffled a little on whether I was going to try carb cycling. I got my protein consumption up to about the right amount, and want to work on getting a lot more vegetables in my diet whether or not I carb cycle. It calls for three cups of veggies a day, and I think I average about one cup- and tend to go for starchy veggies a lot more than I should. What I've noticed in my diet over the past couple months is I've been progressively cutting back on carbs. Especially in the past week or so- mixed in with a couple instances of having bad carbs (dominoes pizza while playing descent with frens, and then eating my leftovers the next day... ugh and then a hamburger the day after that... the bun was soooo delicious...). That's definitely the WRONG way to do carb cycling, because high carb days are just as important as no carb days, and the carbs need to be good carbs and.

One good thing has come from my research into carb cycling already, though. I cut out milk. I've always been a big milk drinker. I'd even spent most of the last 7 years getting whole milk, only cutting back to 2% about two months ago. But last week I bought my first carton of almond milk, and haven't really looked back. I did have a couple scraps of cheese while helping S fix her dinner last night, but otherwise I haven't had milk products in almost a week.

That's a complete lie. I have whey protein about twice a day. I bought powdered soy protein from Berkeley Bowl last week, but it was d i s g u s t i n g. I could see it being okay in shakes, blended with some fruit, key word blended because it would not dissolve in the almond milk at all and it was chunky and tasted like chalk. It is also very possible I just need to find some higher quality soy protein but in the meantime I stocked up on the whey.

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As much as I think I would enjoy learning about sports medicine, I'm leaning away from trying it as a career move at the moment. Its something I'd like to pursue a bit on my own time for my own use and perhaps also helping others. At this point I don't think I would like it as a career. I don't think it would satisfy me.

The more I think about it, the more I keep coming back to art. Its an insane career path. It terrifies me and I think that's why I've been so distant from it. Combined with some rather major-scale life upheaval issues I've been dealing with over the past couple years, I'm not surprised my art has gone nowhere. But I'm thinking its time to get back on that.

I feel so rusty, and my area of ability seems like its in a totally different direction from the kinds of things I want to be drawing, so I have a lot of ground to try to cover. It's huge and expansive and I have some ideas for where to start but barely a clue what to do from there.

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I've been feeling lightheaded and a little dizzy for the past couple hours, since finishing my workout today. I'm blaming not enough carbs today (and yesterday, and probably the day before). So a bowl of oatmeal is probably in order. I was planning on going down to lake merrit because there's a great view of the oakland cityscape down there, but I'm not going to be able to go anywhere until I feel better.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
It's made it past the ugly stage. Few more things that need to be resolved a little bit before I can move on. That little skeleton is causing me some problems at the moment that -probably- won't be too hard to deal with. Also a basic premise I'd made about the background turned out to be wrong. Better, this way, but there are certain things I need to deal with now. And then a lot of clean up and a lot of little details. I think I used to skimp on that part in my haste to get this stupid picture DONE already. But it has the potential to be the most fun, and really brings the life to an image.

It's been a long time since I've illustrated.

In other news, this week has sucked in a lot of ways. Edwin and I changed the status of our relationship on monday. I'm not really sure of the longer term implications, but I haven't talked to him since monday and insecurities are eating me alive a little bit. But I also know that if I do want it to work out at all I need to be able to stand strong on my own.

I'm also at the lowest point in my T cycle, going to get my shot at 6pm, so that's probably affected my overall mood in a negative way, too. I did talk myself into going to my trans group last night, and will be meeting up with some of them in sf right after my injection. There's a trans group that meets at... a gay safe sex club? that a few of the guys had been wanting to check out but didn't want to go alone. And it happens to be about three blocks away from where I get my shot and timed just about perfectly to head right over there afterward. So... that'll probably be interesting.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Last week I decided that sundays are way better for doing art than they are for running around trying to do stuff. I quite liked the model of 'finishing something in one day' that I accomplished last week. That didn't really happen this week, but I did spend a good amount of time doing some artistic problem solving.

I was trying to revisit an old sketch that I'd wanted to bring to a finished piece but after a number of tries had given up for over three years. Today I first spent a good hour and a half or more trying to correct anatomy and perspective over the old composition. It got to a point where I started feeling like sure, the anatomy's better, but it's still not working.

Frustrated, I flipped the page in my sketchbook, intending to doodle something else. Instead, my mind wouldn't let go of the problem, and I ended up starting the picture over with a totally different composition. More push on the forced perspective weirdness I've been playing with a little bit recently.

And it's not without its problems, but I'm much happier with it than with how the old one was going. I'm hoping I can get the sketch finalized tomorrow and the coloring done tuesday
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
For the past couple weeks I have been reading reading reading. Trying to learn and absorb others' experiences with their transitions, helping where I can, but recognizing that I am a beginning beginner on this path.

Today I printed out copies of a bunch of forms for a court-ordered name and gender change today. I figure it'll be easier to pay my bills when I don't avoid looking at them because I don't like having to see my old name. Hopefully the process will be less complicated than it looks and I'll be able to get on with my life.

I got off-track with my fitness and nutrition stuff while mom was here, but not as badly as I could have. Being slightly lax about my workout routine and now going back to it has tested my discipline and reminded me how much I want this for myself. Eating semi-vegan for a week and a half gave me a good appreciation both for that diet, and also a better appreciation of MEAT. I've learned a lot about protein these two weeks.

I have this nagging concern that once I'm done with this transition stuff, I won't know what to do with myself. If everything in my life has been leading up to this crux of finding myself and making this change, what's next? Particularly since I've been thinking so much on the fact that I don't really want art to be my career anymore. I do want to make art, but I don't want to have to make money on art. I could very well still change my mind about that, but I've never really had a fall back plan and now I feel like I'm floundering a little in that regard.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Today I wanted to tell my supervisor I had something I needed to talk to her about, but as soon as I started trying to just tell her there was -something- I totally locked up and my heart kinda started racing. So I didn't say anything. Again.

I've been wanting to do it in person, but I'm starting to think emailing might be a better way to do it, so I can plan out a little better what I want to say. I'm in a comfy spot here, but soon enough it's going to start being obvious something is going on and I don't want it to be a surprise to them. I'd love for it to just be okay, a nonissue, but I just don't know at all how A and S would deal with it.

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Thursday I get my second shot... I'm really looking forward to this weekend and seeing what starts happening this time around. I've thought of a few questions I want to ask while I'm at the clinic, too. Mostly I just want to know what the dosage is going to be and see if I can get on a weekly shot instead of a higher dosage every other week because I think that'd be better for me for keeping stable. Then again this week has been fine, it was the middle of last week that sucked.

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Talked to Edwin a bit about the way I've been processing emotions lately. There have been a couple instances where I'll get really annoyed- like it'll flare up and I'll rage for a couple seconds, but then it's done and I'll be like, I'm sorry I said that stuff, I feel better now. Where before I wouldn't be able to identify what I was getting upset about, and while I usually wouldn't get to the point where I'd rage, the unidentified emotion would just build up slowly and I'd end up feeling crappy and lots of little things would build up. Basically I'm feeling way more stable emotionally, which is awesome. If something does get to me I just deal with it and then it's done. Feels so much more natural to me, rather than my emotions being constantly at war with my brain.

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I don't want to curse it, but I started the actual p90x program yesterday. So I did the "Back and Chest" yesterday, followed by "Ab Ripper-X". That was pretty intense. Today was "Plyometrics"... I didnt' think I'd get through the whole thing, I didnt' last time, but this time I did. It was pretty rough, heh. But that made it feel really awesome to actually get through it all. Edwin started plyo with me this morning, but stopped after about 25 minutes. When I got done I got my sweaty face all up in his and he was like "I hate you. *huuuggg*"

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Daily drawing has been... not happening. But I have drawn a couple times in the last week, at least. The one I drew today is very much an illustration... which is pretty cool because I've been mostly doing self-portraity stuff with my own characters and friends' for like the past year so this is a pretty big departure and it feels awesome. I've also been stretching the artistic muscles a tiny bit by doing a couple redlines for various people this past week, something I used to do a lot but got SUUUPER burnt out on. Oh yeah, I like doing that. It allows me to figure out poses I might not normally do, and hopefully help someone else out in the process, too. So, yeah, good stuff.

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Also rap. Apparently is where my musical taste is going. Carly got me to listen to some Lady Gaga, which I've been rationing a bit. Also Rachelbun got me listening to Stuntin Like Mufasa which is ridiculous but also awesome. Same with the rest of the album, though I can only get so far before my brain goes okay that's enough disney. =I Speaking of mashups Eira recommended this Sonic the Hedgehog mashup that I thought was really well done. Joeypoey gave me some great recommendations, too, and I'm currently listening to the P.O.S. mix starting with this song.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
I got those vibram fivefingers yesterday morning. I had to relearn where my feet needed to land on my bike pedals lol. Walked around a bit with them yesterday and at night when I took them off my feet were sore but it a different way than any shoes I've worn before. They felt good, oddly enough.

Today I wandered around sunset a little bit in them while talking on the phone to pop. A good hour at least of walking in them. I have an awareness of the bones in my feet in a way I haven't noticed ever before. They take some getting used to, certainly, both how they feel and how they look (penguin feet!), but well worth it, I've decided.

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Also I drew again today. That's two in a row now, and I actually spent a decent amount of time developing this one. Don't have access to a scanner. If I have time on friday between public transit back to the east bay and biking to work (also need to write a rent check and scoop cat litter)... I'll scan it and whatever I draw tomorrow.

It feels good to be drawing again. Actually creating stuff I'm happy with. I think I had plateau'd a bit and didn't know how to break into something that interested me again, among other creative blocks. The past two days I've been starting with a circle drawn on the page instead of a rectangular frame. Somehow it gets me thinking about the perspective much more effectively. I'm not yet pushing the distortion the way I see it in my mind but I'm excited to develop it.

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replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Seth

February 2013

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