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It's surreal. I keep finding more bruises.
Odd how it's only now sinking in.
Or not odd. I am a personal care attendant. Not a guardian legally, but that's my job. And first and foremost I'm trying to take care of these people. Yes, she freaked out and hit me. Repeatedly. I had to take care of myself.
Fighting back only in self defense is a lot more difficult than fighting back. I didn't want to hurt her, only to make her stop hurting me. Because she was only hurting herself in doing so.
I didn't want to have to call the cops. Didn't want them to have to take her away.
But once she was gone the idea of her coming back,
without the time to regroup
to heal.
Kept me on edge again and again.
Like the boogeyman, every noise outside
could be her.
*breathe* I thought I was going to have to see her again, this morning. I convinced them it wasn't a good idea for her to come back last night. I didn't want to wake up
with her standing over me so I wouldn't have slept. S said she slept better than she had in months and it broke my heart and I couldn't tell her that she'd be home this afternoon. This morning, supposedly. 6:30 or 7.
I got up early. Packed my stuff up, took my bike and locked it outside. So I could make a quick getaway if I needed to. Hurried S through her morning routine
to avoid the possibility of crossing paths. And then I sat, and waited. Unwilling to abandon my post, or distract my attention too much
I had to be ready when she arrived.
The minutes ticked by. Half an hour fortyfive an hour. An hour and fourteen. An hour and twenty. I'm leaving at nine, I don't care. An hour and twenty nine. Can I do that? An hour and thirty five. Waiting to face this person I am supposed to be taking care of. An hour and forty seven. In three minutes I'll text Janis and tell her A's not back and that I need to go at nine. An hour and forty nine. I'm halfway through a text message when Robin calls.
Hey, I'm emailing you a list of workman's comp clinics. Oh... okay, hey, A isn't back yet, and I get off work at 9. Oh, Jame's going to pick her up, she's still at Kaiser, there must have been a miscommunication, you can go.
Odd how it's only now sinking in.
Or not odd. I am a personal care attendant. Not a guardian legally, but that's my job. And first and foremost I'm trying to take care of these people. Yes, she freaked out and hit me. Repeatedly. I had to take care of myself.
Fighting back only in self defense is a lot more difficult than fighting back. I didn't want to hurt her, only to make her stop hurting me. Because she was only hurting herself in doing so.
I didn't want to have to call the cops. Didn't want them to have to take her away.
But once she was gone the idea of her coming back,
without the time to regroup
to heal.
Kept me on edge again and again.
Like the boogeyman, every noise outside
could be her.
*breathe* I thought I was going to have to see her again, this morning. I convinced them it wasn't a good idea for her to come back last night. I didn't want to wake up
with her standing over me so I wouldn't have slept. S said she slept better than she had in months and it broke my heart and I couldn't tell her that she'd be home this afternoon. This morning, supposedly. 6:30 or 7.
I got up early. Packed my stuff up, took my bike and locked it outside. So I could make a quick getaway if I needed to. Hurried S through her morning routine
to avoid the possibility of crossing paths. And then I sat, and waited. Unwilling to abandon my post, or distract my attention too much
I had to be ready when she arrived.
The minutes ticked by. Half an hour fortyfive an hour. An hour and fourteen. An hour and twenty. I'm leaving at nine, I don't care. An hour and twenty nine. Can I do that? An hour and thirty five. Waiting to face this person I am supposed to be taking care of. An hour and forty seven. In three minutes I'll text Janis and tell her A's not back and that I need to go at nine. An hour and forty nine. I'm halfway through a text message when Robin calls.
Hey, I'm emailing you a list of workman's comp clinics. Oh... okay, hey, A isn't back yet, and I get off work at 9. Oh, Jame's going to pick her up, she's still at Kaiser, there must have been a miscommunication, you can go.