replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Sometimes it's like watching myself from outside myself. I'm annoyed by how inwardly-directed I am. It feels very self-centered. Much more than my inner compass for how I should be. I often feel like my brain is veering wildly out of control. I remember feeling similarly in high school and console myself knowing it will settle out sooner or later.

Until then, I try to be productive, and keep myself busy or entertained when I can't manage that. Always passing time. I remind myself that time is my friend and that I don't have to sprint because it's the marathon that counts.

I sleep a lot. I dream a lot, too, and the style of the dreams has changed. They feel more visually oriented, with much more awareness of the shape of the space around me and details about textures and objects. There is a greater tendency toward slightly disturbing imagery, too.

And I feel like more of an active participant in them. I am a presence, interacting with the dream, rather than a mere observer or passive participant. It speaks volumes to me of being more comfortable with myself.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Talked to pop today. Its hard because he doesn't really understand. He's having a hard time understanding that gender is different from sexuality. I told him I start t tomorrow. He didn't approve but wanted to support whatever would make me happy. He said he's okay with calling me taylor... which is my middle name by birth. [The name I'm changing to is Taylor Seth Watkins, going by Seth] And tangented off into stories about his best friend David Taylor who I was named after and about my brother Chase who is graduating this friday because David died in a car accident the morning of their high school graduation. It's hard to talk about this stuff with him because it makes him uncomfortable so his defense mechanisms kick in and he changes the subject. I don't think its a conscious thing but it's hard to work through. And I mean he's got stuff going on in his life right now he needs to talk about too- and generally I genuinely enjoy the stuff he rambles about. I guess I haven't made that much of an effort to educate him, though, and his internet access is basically zilch (though apparently one of his friends is hooking him up soon). Maybe if I tried a little harder to help him understand.

It's just got me in this zoney place in my mind and Edwin keeps asking me if I'm okay. Just very off in my head. But writing this should help get it off my mind. And anxieties about my tday tomorrow... it's like it won't really be real until then. The other night I dreamed there was an episode of house where it turned out that house had been trans. I woke up and was a little disappointed it wasn't a real episode heh. I dream house fanfic. Lol.


replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)

February 2013

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