replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
This morning I feel like the fog over my head for the past month or so is finally starting to lift a little. Thursday when I went in for my shot Daphne saw my eyes and how red and awful the skin around them looked and insisted on having me see the doctor that day. He said it was classic eczema and gave me some hydrocortisone 1% and told me I better not get it in my eyes because it'll give me pinkeye.

It's only now that it's slowly starting to clear up that I'm starting to see exactly how much of a brain funk I've been in. Amazing what a slightly compromised immune system will do.

I've been drawing more. Not every single day, but sometimes multiple times a day. Dark grey paper feels really good right now, I like the low contrast. It's giving me some dark imagery, but I'm okay with that. Come to think of it, a lot of my drawings are on color-coordinated paper lately. Cream cardstock for furry commissions, purple cardstock for cute girls, index cards for carrying in my pocket and collecting whatever images fly by while on transit. Makes me wish I took transit more often, almost.

Past two days I've been working out despite feeling sick and miserable. Pretty sure part of why my shoulder/neck has been hurting so much this week is my inconsistent workout patterns lately. Weighed in at 156.3 lb and 25.5% body fat this week... which is /technically/ an improvement on both ends. A month ago it was 163.5 and 27%, which makes it look like I lost a lot, right? Except that FOUR POUNDS of that is lost muscle. I'm pretty sure that most of the loss is because I stopped taking Aftershock on a daily basis, which has Creatine in it. Apparently if you stop taking creatine you loose a chunk of the mass you gain with it.

Actually seeing Edwin a lot lately. Most of the time is spent with him unconscious on my bed because he's working all but 9-5 weekdays. No, seriously. He gets off work at 9am, which is usually more like 10am, and has to be back by 5pm. Except weekends. He works 24/7 weekends. And I live a 20-minute commute away, rather than an hour-and-a-half commute away. I don't begrudge him crashing at my place. Hopefully soon they'll find someone to replace his former coworker, and he'll be back to a more sane schedule.

Work is fun. Not sure how much longer I'll be employed there, as they're looking for a live-in for S, which will basically mean my job will be canned, and it feels like my supervisor has been ignoring me. She used to be great about communicating about everything and now it's like she's not the same person. I think she got really busy all of a sudden, but it's still really strange. Been gearing myself up for the job hunt. Should have been working on that in earnest already, but I've been sickish and I'm really not looking forward to going through the job application/hiring process with my old name on documents and job history.

I'm supposed to do an hours-long training thing on my off hours at work. But I'm about to lose the job afaik. I would like to be able to get good references from them, but it is really hard to want to do extra stuff for these people.

Tonight I need to catch a decent Ghastly. Ideally an adamant one.

Is it just me or is google mail not working for anyone else?
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Oh, also I talked to Edwin a little on aim today while getting ready for work. I was prepared to hold out on trying to contact him until monday, so I'm really glad he got in touch with me today. I did decide to keep the conversation on aim... I kinda don't think I could have dealt with a phone conversation at that point.

Cleared up a couple things I guess. I think he's trying a little too hard to stay somewhat aloof but I understand that, too. I know he wants me to be strong enough to stand on my own, and he's also worried that if he lets his guard down we might slip into the same patterns of being together all the time and not having that time for the stuff we each need to do individually.

We are going to be getting together on thursday, which is the one-year mark for the first time we hung out together outside of work. Our first date, though at the time I was kind of oblivious that's what it was supposed to be. We went to an aikido class together at the Y and then went to Triple Rock, got drunk, missed the last Bart train and stumbled the two miles home to my place. Good times.

This year I'm going to take him rock wall climbing, finally, assuming I can get my membership all worked out and everything beforehand. And hopefully it'll be the start of a new, healthier relationship.

I guess the baseline was that we wanted different things out of a relationship. He wanted something along the lines of friends with benefits because he needs his time to do his own work. Up until I feel pretty recently, I needed something more than that, and he went along with that for me and supported me through a really rough period of my life as I pushed through the early stages of my transition.

Now I feel like I'm more prepared to stand on my own, and be able to go to a relationship in a way that's not exactly casual, but isn't using it as a crutch, either. I do have concerns that this might just be a relationship model I can't deal with, but I definitely think he's worth it to try.

The option is there, as well, for dating other people, which he's encouraging. I'm not looking to jump right into anything right away or anything, but having the option helps me feel more comfortable getting out and trying to make new friends. I crush almost embarrassingly easily and it's nice not feeling like I have to try and stifle that when getting to know new people.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
It's made it past the ugly stage. Few more things that need to be resolved a little bit before I can move on. That little skeleton is causing me some problems at the moment that -probably- won't be too hard to deal with. Also a basic premise I'd made about the background turned out to be wrong. Better, this way, but there are certain things I need to deal with now. And then a lot of clean up and a lot of little details. I think I used to skimp on that part in my haste to get this stupid picture DONE already. But it has the potential to be the most fun, and really brings the life to an image.

It's been a long time since I've illustrated.

In other news, this week has sucked in a lot of ways. Edwin and I changed the status of our relationship on monday. I'm not really sure of the longer term implications, but I haven't talked to him since monday and insecurities are eating me alive a little bit. But I also know that if I do want it to work out at all I need to be able to stand strong on my own.

I'm also at the lowest point in my T cycle, going to get my shot at 6pm, so that's probably affected my overall mood in a negative way, too. I did talk myself into going to my trans group last night, and will be meeting up with some of them in sf right after my injection. There's a trans group that meets at... a gay safe sex club? that a few of the guys had been wanting to check out but didn't want to go alone. And it happens to be about three blocks away from where I get my shot and timed just about perfectly to head right over there afterward. So... that'll probably be interesting.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
I got a bunch of new weights at Target yesterday. A pair of 10 lbs and a pair of 15 lbs. They were FUN getting home on my bike, I'll tell you that. That's 50 pounds in case anyone doesn't feel like bothering with the math.

I had put off doing my workout until after the Target trip so I could use those new weights, but on the way there I discovered another busted spoke and had to go to two different bike shops to get it fixed (Recycle Bicycle, our normal bikeshop, apparently doesn't do repairs on weekends so I had to go to a different shop). There I learned that apparently the accident a few weeks ago had bent the back wheel, too, enough that it'll probably just keep busting spokes fairly often until I can get the wheel replaced. I have learned a valuable lesson about getting information from people who hit me on my bike so I can hit them up for money for all the repairs. =P

So I didn't get to work out until like 830pm, and when I did I really pushed myself hard with the new weights. Near the end of the workout I started feeling a little dizzy and near-nausea, so I ended up skipping ab ripper even though I actually wanted to do it. I had done a lot of biking, worked really hard in my workout, and probably hadn't gotten enough of the right kinds of things to eat to successfully pull through that last fifteen minutes or so. Frustrating.

I also got a couple new pairs of shorts. Have I mentioned I kill pants? I have to replace them frequently. Back down to 34" waist, had been at 36" most of the summer, and as recently as a month ago tried both sizes and had gone with the 36". Also bought another pair of workout shorts. <3

Also a soccer ball. Edwin and I played around with it a little bit in my room this morning and now I can't wait to take it to the park and kick it back and forth. I miss soccer!

Last in my collection of manly things I bought yesterday is shaving supplies. I skipped the razor that vibrated, but still think that 5 blades might just be overkill... particularly on my peach fuzz. >_< If Edwin's around tomorrow I might get him to help me with that and hopefully keep me from somehow messing it up terribly. Otherwise I'll probably wait until next week.
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Edwin says my upper lip feels fuzzy when I kiss him.

He says he can feel the muscle developing in my upper arms.

"You're just saying that," I say, "to make me feel better."

"No, it's true." He replies. "And I like it."
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Today I wanted to tell my supervisor I had something I needed to talk to her about, but as soon as I started trying to just tell her there was -something- I totally locked up and my heart kinda started racing. So I didn't say anything. Again.

I've been wanting to do it in person, but I'm starting to think emailing might be a better way to do it, so I can plan out a little better what I want to say. I'm in a comfy spot here, but soon enough it's going to start being obvious something is going on and I don't want it to be a surprise to them. I'd love for it to just be okay, a nonissue, but I just don't know at all how A and S would deal with it.

Thursday I get my second shot... I'm really looking forward to this weekend and seeing what starts happening this time around. I've thought of a few questions I want to ask while I'm at the clinic, too. Mostly I just want to know what the dosage is going to be and see if I can get on a weekly shot instead of a higher dosage every other week because I think that'd be better for me for keeping stable. Then again this week has been fine, it was the middle of last week that sucked.

Talked to Edwin a bit about the way I've been processing emotions lately. There have been a couple instances where I'll get really annoyed- like it'll flare up and I'll rage for a couple seconds, but then it's done and I'll be like, I'm sorry I said that stuff, I feel better now. Where before I wouldn't be able to identify what I was getting upset about, and while I usually wouldn't get to the point where I'd rage, the unidentified emotion would just build up slowly and I'd end up feeling crappy and lots of little things would build up. Basically I'm feeling way more stable emotionally, which is awesome. If something does get to me I just deal with it and then it's done. Feels so much more natural to me, rather than my emotions being constantly at war with my brain.

I don't want to curse it, but I started the actual p90x program yesterday. So I did the "Back and Chest" yesterday, followed by "Ab Ripper-X". That was pretty intense. Today was "Plyometrics"... I didnt' think I'd get through the whole thing, I didnt' last time, but this time I did. It was pretty rough, heh. But that made it feel really awesome to actually get through it all. Edwin started plyo with me this morning, but stopped after about 25 minutes. When I got done I got my sweaty face all up in his and he was like "I hate you. *huuuggg*"

Daily drawing has been... not happening. But I have drawn a couple times in the last week, at least. The one I drew today is very much an illustration... which is pretty cool because I've been mostly doing self-portraity stuff with my own characters and friends' for like the past year so this is a pretty big departure and it feels awesome. I've also been stretching the artistic muscles a tiny bit by doing a couple redlines for various people this past week, something I used to do a lot but got SUUUPER burnt out on. Oh yeah, I like doing that. It allows me to figure out poses I might not normally do, and hopefully help someone else out in the process, too. So, yeah, good stuff.

Also rap. Apparently is where my musical taste is going. Carly got me to listen to some Lady Gaga, which I've been rationing a bit. Also Rachelbun got me listening to Stuntin Like Mufasa which is ridiculous but also awesome. Same with the rest of the album, though I can only get so far before my brain goes okay that's enough disney. =I Speaking of mashups Eira recommended this Sonic the Hedgehog mashup that I thought was really well done. Joeypoey gave me some great recommendations, too, and I'm currently listening to the P.O.S. mix starting with this song.


replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)

February 2013

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