raging

Jul. 11th, 2010 03:48 pm
replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
I was a grumpy butt all week. Edwin was a trooper and put up with me from tuesday afternoon through friday afternoon when I went to work. Tuesday night he sat me down and we had a long talk about how there's a time and place for punching, but it's not really okay for men to punch their partners. And also that guys going through puberty at some point have to realize they're a lot stronger than they used to be and need to take care not to break things or injure people. I had punched him. At the time I felt like he deserved it, and I also didn't realize there would be so much force behind the punch.

Friday afternoon through late this morning I was at work, and therefore required to be in complete control of my self and my actions. So the tension built up and by the time I left work I wanted a good long visit with a punching bag. Not because work was particularly stressful. I just felt a lot of tension and the need to let it explode out. I thought, I'll get home, and I have a real workout today, so I'll just get some food, wait an hour, and then work out hard.

Upon walking in the door, I was greeted with the cat litter box that had not been cleaned out. Usually I clean it out fridays before taking off. This week I was running late, so Eira said she'd take care of it. So instead of relaxing a bit and then getting started on my workout right away, I first cleaned out the box. My mom's coming this week, so I actually washed the box and thoroughly cleaned out the space where the box sits. And since the box had been full, Rofl had peed on the towels on the floor in the bathroom so the bathroom stank. And the whole time I was cleaning, I was raging at Eira in my head. So much so that when I came back from taking a bunch of garbage to the dumpster, and she tried to greet me with a cat and a smile I totally snapped at her.

I'm not proud of these examples. I'm having to seriously look at myself and take a step back and be like, wait a second, this isn't who I want to be. This isn't who I am. How do I learn to deal with this rage more effectively so it doesn't explode at people?

On the other hand, Edwin was saying he thinks this will be a positive change for me overall. Because before, the same things that caused me to blow up would have had me simmering and resentful for several days, never confronting it, and also never seeing the blame lying at least equally on my shoulders. The fact that right now it is blowing up like that allows it to dissipate immediately afterward, and also forces me to see my own actions and decisions as a major part of the problem. Now all that's left is to find better ways to channel that anger so the problem gets resolved without me being an arse.

Working out helps. The hard muscle lifting and chinups and pushups and ab ripper ones. Last week was the first 'rest' week of the P90x program, so while there were still workouts to do, they weren't the crazy lifting etc ones. I'm suspecting that contributed to my poor mood last week. I just started week 5 and did 'chest, shoulders, and triceps' and ab ripper, and already I'm feeling good enough to blog here again. Past several days I was feeling totally internet antisocial.

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replacementparts: Smiling dragon, optimism, bright (Default)
Seth

February 2013

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