it makes him uncomfortable

Talked to pop today. Its hard because he doesn't really understand. He's having a hard time understanding that gender is different from sexuality. I told him I start t tomorrow. He didn't approve but wanted to support whatever would make me happy. He said he's okay with calling me taylor... which is my middle name by birth. [The name I'm changing to is Taylor Seth Watkins, going by Seth] And tangented off into stories about his best friend David Taylor who I was named after and about my brother Chase who is graduating this friday because David died in a car accident the morning of their high school graduation. It's hard to talk about this stuff with him because it makes him uncomfortable so his defense mechanisms kick in and he changes the subject. I don't think its a conscious thing but it's hard to work through. And I mean he's got stuff going on in his life right now he needs to talk about too- and generally I genuinely enjoy the stuff he rambles about. I guess I haven't made that much of an effort to educate him, though, and his internet access is basically zilch (though apparently one of his friends is hooking him up soon). Maybe if I tried a little harder to help him understand.

It's just got me in this zoney place in my mind and Edwin keeps asking me if I'm okay. Just very off in my head. But writing this should help get it off my mind. And anxieties about my tday tomorrow... it's like it won't really be real until then. The other night I dreamed there was an episode of house where it turned out that house had been trans. I woke up and was a little disappointed it wasn't a real episode heh. I dream house fanfic. Lol.

penguin feet

I got those vibram fivefingers yesterday morning. I had to relearn where my feet needed to land on my bike pedals lol. Walked around a bit with them yesterday and at night when I took them off my feet were sore but it a different way than any shoes I've worn before. They felt good, oddly enough.

Today I wandered around sunset a little bit in them while talking on the phone to pop. A good hour at least of walking in them. I have an awareness of the bones in my feet in a way I haven't noticed ever before. They take some getting used to, certainly, both how they feel and how they look (penguin feet!), but well worth it, I've decided.

-------------

Also I drew again today. That's two in a row now, and I actually spent a decent amount of time developing this one. Don't have access to a scanner. If I have time on friday between public transit back to the east bay and biking to work (also need to write a rent check and scoop cat litter)... I'll scan it and whatever I draw tomorrow.

It feels good to be drawing again. Actually creating stuff I'm happy with. I think I had plateau'd a bit and didn't know how to break into something that interested me again, among other creative blocks. The past two days I've been starting with a circle drawn on the page instead of a rectangular frame. Somehow it gets me thinking about the perspective much more effectively. I'm not yet pushing the distortion the way I see it in my mind but I'm excited to develop it.