disclosure

[To my supervisor, executive director, and HR person]

Okay, again, sorry it's taken me a little while to respond with my thoughts about your plan to tell [S] and [A] about my transition. Some parts of it made me fairly uncomfortable so it took a little while to process it. In particular, I have some discomfort with the idea of telling them that I will 'become' a man at some arbitrary later time. While I do understand why you might want them to think that way about it, I wonder if there's a better way to emphasize that I am the same person they have known all along, despite ongoing and future changes. I know especially with [A]'s past and plan it is a somewhat tricky situation. If necessary, you can explain that my body is still physically female in most ways, though I'm not very comfortable with that being -emphasized- unless they are having a really hard time accepting it. I'd love it if there was a way you could emphasize that as the hormone therapy does its work, and my body slowly changes in little ways, I have been becoming increasingly happy with who I am. This transition is very difficult in a lot of ways, but at the bottom line it is a really, REALLY good thing for me and in general I have been happier both with myself and with the world around me than ever before.

You may already be planning on covering much of this information in the 'What is a sex change and why do some people have them?' bullet point. Is there any chance I can get an idea of what you will be covering in that section, so I might be able to make suggestions or clarifications?

Again, I want to thank you all for being so understanding and willing to take on this task of explaining my situation to [S] and [A]. I know it won't be an easy thing to do and I'm sorry if I've just complicated things. I will be working on my letter to [coworkers] tonight and will send along copies here, as well.

Seth

[They will be meeting with A and S this wednesday, August 18th. I won't be there, but I'm totally nervous about it. I don't think it will be, but worst-case scenario this could be my last weekend working here. That's a little terrifying...]

motivation issues

I'm on week 9 of p90x, out of 13.

Unexpectedly, I had a really hard time hanging in there this week. I don't think I've been sick, but I definitely haven't been feeling in top form lately, either. Maybe it's work-related anxiety, combined with other factors.

Wednesday I got halfway through Yoga-X. Not even halfway. I did the beginning part that makes me drip sweat. I got up to the first really hard section with half moons and twisting half moons and paused to go get my laundry. Someone had started a couple loads right after I switched to the dryers and there's only two of each for our entire apartment building and I didn't want to be that bastard with dry clothes in both dryers for an extra hour, or make my neighbor dump them in my laundry basket. I got back to my room and didn't press play. Maybe I would have if I'd gotten through that hard section before breaking. But I didn't.

Thursday I was at Edwin's place most of the day, having gone down to SF late wednesday. I had my clinic appointment in the early evening, and my plan was to go home straight from the clinic and get my workout done before it got too late. Well, the way things worked out we had to go back to Edwin's place after the clinic, make a bank run, and he had to pack for the weekend (he has a similar schedule to mine, only with one huge shift from friday evening to monday morning). By the time we got to my place it was 930 and I wouldn't have been able to get started working out until 10 or 1030, which would have put me getting done working out close to midnight, and wide awake for at least three hours afterward. No thanks. -__-

Today I suffered from extreme motivation issues, and really wanting to get to spend that time with Edwin instead of working out. He did a good job of encouraging me to do it anyway, reminding me how much I like the results I'm getting, and how good I usually feel afterward. I had missed my thursday resistance training, 'Legs and Back' with Ab Ripper, so I decided to do that instead of friday's Kenpo workout. As much as I love kenpo (and gosh does it burn a lot of calories), I really feel like the resistance workouts are where it's at for me.

The workout was hard. Especially when I went to write down my chinup reps and they were consistently lower than they have been since week 5. I felt like I couldn't keep my balance in exercises where I usually didn't have any problems. 20 minutes in I wanted to give up. But I didn't. And I had chinup reps to write in at all, which today, was a success in itself. I even followed up with Ab Ripper like I was supposed to, and did as well with it as I had earlier in the week instead of going slower and doing less reps. And by the end of the workout, I WAS feeling a lot better, if more exhausted than normal.